| Hi strangers! |
[Jan. 23rd, 2009|12:19 am] |
So I am back, sorta. I haven't been posting for a really really long time now since so much stuff has been going on. First of all I am still in school battling exams and tons of homeworks, while at the same time my eating disorder crap has NOT turned out to the better. I have found myself unable to control eating or not eating, which have caused me to gain around 5kg's more than I would ever like to weigh. I am sad and ashamed of my body and myself everytime I think about my weight, and I am now seriously starting to wonder if I should get some "real" help... Anyways I don't think my mindset is ready for a shrink yet, so if anything I will probably just start with my nerve-medicin again - which I cut off using because I felt too fat and disgusting to be "worthy" of the stamp as eating-disordered :s yeah I'm freaky. For now I am gonna eat what I want and feel like, but monday I have decided to start a two-days fast of only water - juice - vegetables and fruits. I seem to get sorta stressed out about my weight everytime I know that I have to go party with a lot of people, even though it is just a bunch of friends. The 31st I am off to a big reunion party which I have to loose some weight for if I'm not gonna be feeling totally nasty and crappy compared to the other girls there. My goal is to lose around 5kg's or more till the 27 of February, since I am going to another big party and I really really don't wanna look the least too big at that event!
Everything is such a bummer. Sometimes I even wonder if my old depression has come back, or if it is just me being whiny? Can't figure myself out and I seriously need to get this in control right now! I will need to follow some very strict diet or simply not eat anything "food'ish" if this is gonna work for me. I am such a weak person if I start to eat, even if it is just a piece of bread I can't control it and then I just keep on munching on stuff... I think I have a sort of either-this or either-that personality with most things and especially food and eating.. I know that I will eventually need to get this in control, and get some actual help with my mindset too, this I am simply just not ready for yet and right now all I can think of is how to lose weight and get thinner again.
I hope for the best
xxxLotte
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| ...bullshiaaat! |
[May. 17th, 2008|06:46 pm] |
so I've been in a very stupid, depressing, destructive mood lately. This is very unlike me!
New goal - loose 4 kilos, then go on and loose three more. The fast starts tommorrow and running practice will be due tommorrow night and monday. Fuck I hate myself/my body right now. I can't figure this out, I have gained around 5 kilos over the last 2 and half months because of illness so I couldn't go running every other day. Okay, I can see it on my weight and feel it a bit on my body but thats about it. My clothes still fit the same but the wierdest thing is this; when I weighed those 5 kilos less than now, I measured myself around the waist and tummy area. and now - when I weigh those kilos MORE, I still measure the same cm/inches :s WHAT THE HELL?!??!?!?!
I'm confused because of course I think I look waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay fatter now than then, but apparently i don't, or?
well, I know I can loose those first four kilos in this upcoming week if I really concentrate and keep focus!
Running plan; sunday, monday - wednesday - friday - saturday.
FUCK WEIGHT, BODIES AND BODY IDEALS!!!
- this world is outta order I say.
xxxThe now fasting/dieting Lotte which is still in a bad mood.
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| Writer's Block: Step into My Closet |
[May. 8th, 2008|10:41 am] |
27. guess i were them all more than a couple of times per. year :) maybe one or two pairs I don't use that much, but that's about it... |
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| spending all ma' monay............................... |
[May. 3rd, 2008|01:20 am] |
okay, so almost seriously I think I've become shopaholic ! (a teeny tiny one anyways) I just spend 355 dollars one a watch from Dolce&Gabbana. I simply adooooore this watch and it's been a decision that's been holding on for almost a year now so :) plus I've never actually owned a decent watch so I think I kindda deserved this one...
On top of that I just bought a gorgeus long hoodie/top-thing from Everlast which is just great. wasn't expensive (; buuuuut, now I find myself using money once again! This time on a beautiful and so cute bikini from hot miami styles. It's a cherry red retro polka dot bikini and it's just adorable! I already love it :D plus I'm getting a gorgeous little black dress from them too. Ah! can't wait to get them in the mail :D :D :D
...........and (yeah there's one more shopping thing) I think I'm also going to buy a new bag on Monday. Though it's not really like I need it or anything, I just feel like I do anyways. aaargh and there's a sale at my favourite shop where I've already called to get a pair of slingbacks and a top laid aside for me. (yeah I do actually shop THAT much in the store so they call me a couple of days before the sale)
fucking God! good thing I get paid today... hmm... just calculated that after bying all these stuff, my payment will be gooooooone.
Well, happy month of May all of you non-shopaholics and the ones who are in the same boat as me!
xxxLotte
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 30th, 2008|09:27 pm] |
I can't do this no more ... :'(
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| lovely lovely day <3 |
[Apr. 3rd, 2008|07:25 pm] |
I'm so happy today... I really don't know what have made me so happy today. I even have something wrong with my legs, so I should be in the right to be sad, but I'm not. It's wonderfull. I ate yesterday. I woke up at my boyfriend where I don't have a scale, so I was unable to weigh myself. Even though I don't think I looked fat today. Not at all actually. (and yeah, for me - THAT'S RARE!!!) So I have been eating again today, but only healthy and filling stuff. I have to go with my boyfriend to see his parents saturday, and I'm dreading that a bit since I haven't fastet today, and will only be able to fast for like one and a half day before we go :/
But anyways, I will try not to weigh myself tomorrow because there'll be a BIG possibility that I'll just get depressed then, and I really don't feel like that since I don't wanna be sad for the weekend-trip.
uuuuuuh and one more thing that might have been causing my sudden happiness; I GOT MY FABULOUS NEW JACKET TODAY! :D it's just gorgeous <3 I love it and I'm gonna live in it from now on haha :P + the weather might have cheered me up, big time! It's been so beautiful with sun all day and stuff. only bad thing is that stuff with my legs, which causes me to do no exercise, not even walking because it hurts too much. really sucks...
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| I suck :( |
[Mar. 20th, 2008|01:02 pm] |
blaaah... (yeah I'm not in a very good mood) I've been eating yesterday and today and I suck! :( and I've got moodswings, sorta. I'm so confused because I feel like I'm gross and big and ... blah.. But I actually don't look fat when I see myself in the mirror - which is a VERY uncommon thing with me! And I've been outside walking my dog, and that actually made me a bit cheered up.. at least a little bit.
But I can't stop thinking that if I didn't eat today, I could have lost some weight because of the walk. Now it's just.. pointless? :/ Got a 2 days fast coming up I guess. and yeah I'm wierd, but I'm looking forward to it.
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| just an update sorta |
[Mar. 8th, 2008|06:43 pm] |
so I've been kinda busy this week. busy is sorta a love and hate relationship for me, because when I'm busy, I tend to get stressed out and then my eating fucks up. But when I'm busy I can also keep myself away from eating because there's no time and it really eases me up, not eating... so yeah. Anyways I've been sorta fasting for two days, eating for one day and then on it again for like, two or three weeks now and I find it works out.. Not works out as is "super great", but it works anyhow. So I've been eating yesterday and a bit today... trying to just eat whatever I've been feeling like because if I do that I feel like it's easier to not eat or get cravings when I'm fasting. Been playing a 60minutes match of handball today, so it's gonna be okay. I hope...
so tomorrow is fast till probably wednesday, and I'm gonna go for a 10km walk with my dog tomorrow too.
I'm sorta stuck in the middle today. I would maaayby like to go party downtown tonight, but then again - I have been eating today so I'll probably look fat :/ argh this sucks. Don't think I'm up for it tonight. Next saturday though is gonna be a blast. We get our easter vacation on friday so it's just gonna be great <3 dance baby, dance haha.
Hope you guys are doing okay and that things is not too bad for anyone. have a nice weekend all (:
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 1st, 2008|03:49 pm] |
I don't feel like writing ppretty things. this is ugly. this is pain, this is beautiful.
but this is how I feel - unedited and uncut. today I hurt, tomorrow I hope. This is me, writing to save.
It's all I have left now. My heart feel so tired. And all i keep thinking is that, a heart this young shouldn't feel so tired.
My future is million miles away, why waste the time that's left. I don't feel like eating anymore, because there's nothing left of me.
I want to drink it all away, stop this dry'ness that I feel inside. The fact is, I don't feel like I belong here anymore.
Don't know if I ever did., but I don't feel like staying here no more. I don't feel like me no more.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be better off, but right now I don't feel like trying. So for now this could just be the end..
next week will turn out being hell.
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| more.. |
[Nov. 22nd, 2007|05:05 pm] |
and the world and the lives should be so much more. like in the history books where the tales are told.
I should be so much happier than what I am. so many so jealous of what I have and what I can.
I'm much more worth than this battle with food, much more worth than these numbers on a scale. But I don't see that when things crashes down.
You know, having a pretty face is not always easy. Even the beautiful feels lonely when the others turn around. Don't leave me behind, I know there are problems I need to get solved.
I'm tired of this prison, you all just think it's a choice I did of my own, well it's not!
If I could, I'd rather I could just stuff myself as easily and without thought. but I can't.. I can't.
I don't do this to make the world more complicated for you. I didn't do this just for fun or to ruin anyones lives.
I'm just as ruined and trapped as anyone else.. and I can't get out, I can't get out.
On the outside I seem more tough than what I am. I can bitch people and be mean, I really can. I stick up to my friends, I even stick up to myself. No one would ever dare walk on my ground. In my city everyone knows who I am, they wouldn't dare speak loud about me because thay know of what I can.
I don't brag and I don't tell lies, I don't hide or run when times gets bad. I can put up a fight with the wink of a hand, win it if I want to, because I know I can.
I'm more than this, I'm so much more than this..
much more than just digits on a scale. oh so much more.
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| just plain bored.. |
[Nov. 17th, 2007|04:41 pm] |
no matter what life brings along,
I never doubt there's someone to tell me what I do wrong.
But what people don't see is that it is not how many faults in life you make, it's how many times your willing to make that same fault,
and how many times you'll let other people get to you about it.
It is not a matter of pride or shame, it is survival of the fittest,
that's your game. If you never accomplish anything in life,
nothing important or nothing just all in all.
When the check goes in and the bills goes out,
we will all get up there to pay our price.
To our duty and our demands, to our fellow memberships, I ask of you; go hand in hand. Because humans are equal, for better and worse.
What we see is only skin deep, maybe that is the curse.
All in all, and in this together.
Life is never "just a matter".
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| not dead, just alive and crappy... |
[Nov. 8th, 2007|08:38 pm] |
still alive, no I'm not dead... this week is killing me though! I'm all stressed out and plus of my busy schedule, my eating habits or loss of same, has gone insane/crazy! I'm on the edge of a breakdown.. So this last week I've been TRYING really hard to eat somewhat healthy/normal. it's only last part of the week that has been somehow normal though.. All started because I binged out friday, saturday... I can't even remember which days, I just feel so screwed up with this fucking shit! (crying*)------- okay. so, I have gained around 1,5kilos and that may not sound alot, but I can see it.. EVERYWHERE. This week is too damn stressed out and booked up for me, so I've just decided to not weigh myself before monday morning where I'll start a new and begin loosing the weight again. My week has been.., bad. school is tearing me apart, theres asignments and homework all the freaking time lately, and I can't handle that. plus with the weight/food thing, I'm going insane. BUT, monday will be my new start. last three days (including today in those three) have been good enough foodwise. I haven't overeaten, just eaten normal sittings of food. although I did eat peanuts and cookies today which is no no no! But I can't deal with anything right now... my mom has got me to go see a shrink, and I look forward to see her. The voices and the arguments inside my head can't go on anymore or I'll go insane o__O
It's like one voice in my head don't want anyone to interrupt my eating stuff disease thing, it just wants people to ignore the fact I'm not eating. Yet then another voice pops up because it wan't people to say "please eat something". and then that voice gets sad when no one does, and the other gets angry when someone actually does :/ It's freaking the hell out of me.. (no I'm not insane, I don't "hear" the voices, it's just the thoughts that runds through my mind all the time) so yes, I'll stop caring about food until monday because it only stresses me even more, and then I can't focus on the things I really have to focus on, and I get stressed out and end up like a crying mess. It's not even like I'm fat, my normal sense of judgement can easily see that. I'm in the low range of the normal BMI right at the moment so. But still I need to loose the kilos I've gained, and then a bit more just in case. but again, monday will be the new beginning for that, and i have to take comfort in it... thank God I loose weight easy and pretty quick. It'll bee off in a week or something like that.
but it's hell. Some days I just find myself crying it all out. and the worst thing is that i can't do nothing about it. I can't do anything because I'm so sick and tired of being like this. I'm gonna go down and join the gym tomorrow I think, because since the autum and the winther is taking over here in Denmark, it is waaaaaaaaaaay too cold and rainy to go running outdoors.
I'll get back to you, with hopefull thoughts I'll get back on "the right track" again this monday..
xoxo'<3
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| selfesteem |
[Oct. 15th, 2007|04:40 pm] |
I just had to make a quick post with the campaign pictures from some Nike thing about womens bodies. (just as a reminder for myself at low times)
pictures behind cut if anyone wanna see, personally I love these adds.
what do you think?
( Read more... )
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| Glory! |
[Oct. 11th, 2007|02:11 pm] |
I PASSED MY DRIVERS LICENSE TEST TODAY!!!
:D :D :D
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 8th, 2007|06:15 pm] |
So I've had fasting day number one completed today! yay, well done :D
- mmmh and I've talked to my drivers license teacher today and I'm trying out on a new test this week. I know I should be totally grateful I got a new test so fast and I am, I really am. But,... I'm just so soo afarid of failing it again :/ I'm like really really nervous right now. I haven't even told my parents when the test is due, just told my mom I got a new one this week. I'm not gonna tell anyone. Not even my boyfriend. Not anyone! I won't fail this time, I just wanna get this thing out of the world! I don't wnat it to ruin my mood again! I WANNA PASS THIS TIME :'(
please please please
- you guys keep anything cross'possible crossed this week!
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| wierd happiness |
[Oct. 7th, 2007|06:07 pm] |
Right now, I'm really happy. I don't even know why I'm feeling this happy, because I've had eating days for a week now.. eating ANYTHING in much bigger amounts that I would ever ever do! Guess what, have only gained around 1,7kilos :/ That'll get off during the next week where I'm snapping out of this.. starting from tomorrow. I know I should feel disgusted with myself and i sorta do, but not as much as I should. I've just had the best weekend. I have to most amazing boyfriend in the whole wide world. Last Tuesday, I failed my drivers license test :( Yeah I know, I still feel like a total failure who can't possible do anything right. But My boyfriend surprised me with a whole boquet of yellow roses, just to try and cheer me up. He laid with me on the bed, just being quiet and comforting with me all until I had to go for work. then I came home and he brought me to watch football with a whole bunch of his friends. I tell you, he's the most amazing I've ever met! <3 This weekend we went to visit his family and it was just so nice seeing them again. Last night when we were sharing the guestbed, me laying there in his arms, I fell asleep with the biggest smile on my face. I'm so happy with him, I know I sound like a stupid teenagegirl all up in the clouds, but I have NEVER felt this way about any guy. I have never felt so sure and perfect about anything in my whole life before.
I love him <3
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| fat ass pig.. |
[Oct. 2nd, 2007|09:50 am] |
... these last couple of days has literally been hell... I've been stuffing myself for what, three/four days now, and have gained just around 2,3kilos. And I HATE MYSELF! But it stops from today, since the main reason I've been stuffing like a pig, has been due to stress, caused by my drivers license test today!!! So it stops now, end of it, this second - FAST!
- so I'm still so really nervous, and that's why I've been binging so much these days, and it sucks. But I know I'll hit my normal weight saturday/sunday if I just snap out of it now, so that's what I'll do...
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh I'm so fat! I mean it, and I feel disgusted with myself right now. I had planned to stop yesterday but this morning I just couldn't, feeling anxiuos and terrified of that test! I DON'T WANNA FAIL :'(
My virtuel Model under cut. Current state and goal state.. this sucks, but look terrifying like me in real life :/ only I have a lot longer hair...
( Read more... )
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| icon post |
[Sep. 27th, 2007|08:05 pm] |
Icons icons icons (:
- been a while since I've made any so maybe I've lost the touch?
don't know, here they are anyways ^^,
Teasing;
.  .  . 
( Read more... )
please follow rules in userinfo (: |
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| eating days |
[Sep. 21st, 2007|02:01 pm] |
okay so I'll just edit this/make it all over again so you sorta get the picture, mkay? mkay...
yesterday I went to get an all you can eat ice'cream thing with my best friend Pia. had been planned since last Sunday because I though I could treat myself because I hadn't been eating anything for two weeks and three days. we went and it was good. I had four sundays (well three normal size and one small) and then I though; okay today and tomorrow (that'll mean yesterday and today) can be "eating days". so yesterday I had dinner too, which was rice and chicken... and some bread... and then I had a piece of cake. yeah I know that sounds disgusting and nasty. so today has been an eating day too. have had a bagel with butter, cereal = three servings, four oreos, microwawe popcorn, cake.. lots and lots of bread, chocolate (lots too) I guess I won't be eating in a looooong time for now.. but but but, I usually don't purge, I'm not bulimic, but today I did :/ not much though, not anything remarkable, just so that my stomach would stop aching so damn much... so I did purge, yeah :/ I'm releved now though, now I can start my fast again which I look forward to. I like to feel light and pure. I know I sound totally stupid and I know it probaply is, but I can't help it right now.. I really can't. It's like I fast for two weeks - eat for two days, start over again. I loose more than I gain. I gain like, maybe one kilo or one kilo two hundred grams. and most of that is just because the food is still in you body the day after an eating day.
I need to get this clear though; I don't know what's going on right now. it's not like I plan a fast to be this and that long, for this and that many days. it's just... it's easier not to eat you know? :/ like, I feel more complicated if I know I'm gonna have to eat something during the day. then it takes away a lot of stressing thoughts if I just... don't.
I don't know how long this next fast will be.. at least till I've lost the gained weight, till I'm back at my starting out weight. But I have to say the truth and that is I'm looking forward to it. Only carrots, melons and runnings <3 water.
I don't know why I'm like this, and I don't know what's wrong with me.
I really wish I could eat normally and healthy, I just can't figure out how to do that..
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 17th, 2007|07:58 pm] |
my weight is crazy :/ I'm not at a point where I gain just by eating "normally". that'll mean my metabolism hasn't been ruined, which is a very goody good thing. But the crazy thing, I've lost a kilo in two days :/ now I only need half a kilo, then I'm at my "low" weight. (my boyfriend will deff. notice and he will want me to gain again. if I loose more than the missing half kilo, he'll notice real real much :/ )
I've been tired since friday.. and the week is turning out to be stressfull. although, I can't wait to get to work tomorrow, I'm really looking forward to it, even though it's exhausting me at times. I just love it :)
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