anya_icons

...bullshiaaat!

2008-05-17T16:58:42Z

so I've been in a very stupid, depressing, destructive mood lately. This is very unlike me!
New goal - loose 4 kilos, then go on and loose three more. The fast starts tommorrow and running practice will be due tommorrow night and monday. Fuck I hate myself/my body right now. I can't figure this out, I have gained around 5 kilos over the last 2 and half months because of illness so I couldn't go running every other day. Okay, I can see it on my weight and feel it a bit on my body but thats about it. My clothes still fit the same but the wierdest thing is this; when I weighed those 5 kilos less than now, I measured myself around the waist and tummy area. and now - when I weigh those kilos MORE, I still measure the same cm/inches :s WHAT THE HELL?!??!?!?!
I'm confused because of course I think I look waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay fatter now than then, but apparently i don't, or?
well, I know I can loose those first four kilos in this upcoming week if I really concentrate and keep focus!
Running plan; sunday, monday - wednesday - friday - saturday.

FUCK WEIGHT, BODIES AND BODY IDEALS!!!
- this world is outta order I say.

xxxThe now fasting/dieting Lotte which is still in a bad mood.

Writer's Block: Step into My Closet

2008-05-08T08:42:55Z

How many pair of shoes do you have? Out of those pairs, how many do you wear more than a few times a year?

27. guess i were them all more than a couple of times per. year :) maybe one or two pairs I don't use that much, but that's about it...

spending all ma' monay...............................

2008-05-02T23:33:44Z

okay, so almost seriously I think I've become shopaholic ! (a teeny tiny one anyways) I just spend 355 dollars one a watch from Dolce&Gabbana. I simply adooooore this watch and it's been a decision that's been holding on for almost a year now so :) plus I've never actually owned a decent watch so I think I kindda deserved this one...
On top of that I just bought a gorgeus long hoodie/top-thing from Everlast which is just great. wasn't expensive (; buuuuut, now I find myself using money once again! This time on a beautiful and so cute bikini from hot miami styles. It's a cherry red retro polka dot bikini and it's just adorable! I already love it :D plus I'm getting a gorgeous little black dress from them too. Ah! can't wait to get them in the mail :D :D :D
...........and (yeah there's one more shopping thing) I think I'm also going to buy a new bag on Monday. Though it's not really like I need it or anything, I just feel like I do anyways. aaargh and there's a sale at my favourite shop where I've already called to get a pair of slingbacks and a top laid aside for me. (yeah I do actually shop THAT much in the store so they call me a couple of days before the sale)

fucking God! good thing I get paid today... hmm... just calculated that after bying all these stuff, my payment will be gooooooone.
Well, happy month of May all of you non-shopaholics and the ones who are in the same boat as me!

xxxLotte

anya_icons @ 2008-04-30T21:27:00

2008-04-30T19:27:58Z

I can't do this no more ... :'(

lovely lovely day <3

2008-04-03T17:35:40Z

I'm so happy today... I really don't know what have made me so happy today. I even have something wrong with my legs, so I should be in the right to be sad, but I'm not. It's wonderfull. I ate yesterday. I woke up at my boyfriend where I don't have a scale, so I was unable to weigh myself. Even though I don't think I looked fat today. Not at all actually. (and yeah, for me - THAT'S RARE!!!) So I have been eating again today, but only healthy and filling stuff. I have to go with my boyfriend to see his parents saturday, and I'm dreading that a bit since I haven't fastet today, and will only be able to fast for like one and a half day before we go :/
But anyways, I will try not to weigh myself tomorrow because there'll be a BIG possibility that I'll just get depressed then, and I really don't feel like that since I don't wanna be sad for the weekend-trip.

uuuuuuh and one more thing that might have been causing my sudden happiness; I GOT MY FABULOUS NEW JACKET TODAY! :D it's just gorgeous <3 I love it and I'm gonna live in it from now on haha :P + the weather might have cheered me up, big time! It's been so beautiful with sun all day and stuff. only bad thing is that stuff with my legs, which causes me to do no exercise, not even walking because it hurts too much. really sucks...

I suck :(

2008-03-20T12:07:05Z

blaaah... (yeah I'm not in a very good mood) I've been eating yesterday and today and I suck! :( and I've got moodswings, sorta. I'm so confused because I feel like I'm gross and big and ... blah.. But I actually don't look fat when I see myself in the mirror - which is a VERY uncommon thing with me! And I've been outside walking my dog, and that actually made me a bit cheered up.. at least a little bit.
But I can't stop thinking that if I didn't eat today, I could have lost some weight because of the walk. Now it's just.. pointless? :/ Got a 2 days fast coming up I guess. and yeah I'm wierd, but I'm looking forward to it.

just an update sorta

2008-03-08T17:53:23Z

so I've been kinda busy this week. busy is sorta a love and hate relationship for me, because when I'm busy, I tend to get stressed out and then my eating fucks up. But when I'm busy I can also keep myself away from eating because there's no time and it really eases me up, not eating... so yeah. Anyways I've been sorta fasting for two days, eating for one day and then on it again for like, two or three weeks now and I find it works out.. Not works out as is "super great", but it works anyhow. So I've been eating yesterday and a bit today... trying to just eat whatever I've been feeling like because if I do that I feel like it's easier to not eat or get cravings when I'm fasting. Been playing a 60minutes match of handball today, so it's gonna be okay. I hope...
so tomorrow is fast till probably wednesday, and I'm gonna go for a 10km walk with my dog tomorrow too.

I'm sorta stuck in the middle today. I would maaayby like to go party downtown tonight, but then again - I have been eating today so I'll probably look fat :/ argh this sucks. Don't think I'm up for it tonight. Next saturday though is gonna be a blast. We get our easter vacation on friday so it's just gonna be great <3 dance baby, dance haha.

Hope you guys are doing okay and that things is not too bad for anyone. have a nice weekend all (:

anya_icons @ 2008-03-01T15:49:00

2008-03-01T14:49:40Z

I don't feel like writing ppretty things. this is ugly. this is pain, this is beautiful.
but this is how I feel - unedited and uncut. today I hurt, tomorrow I hope. This is me, writing to save.
It's all I have left now. My heart feel so tired. And all i keep thinking is that, a heart this young shouldn't feel so tired.
My future is million miles away, why waste the time that's left. I don't feel like eating anymore, because there's nothing left of me.
I want to drink it all away, stop this dry'ness that I feel inside. The fact is, I don't feel like I belong here anymore.
Don't know if I ever did., but I don't feel like staying here no more. I don't feel like me no more.

Maybe tomorrow I'll be better off, but right now I don't feel like trying. So for now this could just be the end..
next week will turn out being hell.

more..

2007-11-22T16:08:23Z

and the world and the lives should be so much more. like in the history books where the tales are told.
I should be so much happier than what I am. so many so jealous of what I have and what I can.
I'm much more worth than this battle with food, much more worth than these numbers on a scale. But I don't see that when things crashes down.
You know, having a pretty face is not always easy. Even the beautiful feels lonely when the others turn around. Don't leave me behind, I know there are problems I need to get solved.
I'm tired of this prison, you all just think it's a choice I did of my own, well it's not!
If I could, I'd rather I could just stuff myself as easily and without thought. but I can't.. I can't.
I don't do this to make the world more complicated for you. I didn't do this just for fun or to ruin anyones lives.
I'm just as ruined and trapped as anyone else.. and I can't get out, I can't get out.

On the outside I seem more tough than what I am. I can bitch people and be mean, I really can. I stick up to my friends, I even stick up to myself. No one would ever dare walk on my ground. In my city everyone knows who I am, they wouldn't dare speak loud about me because thay know of what I can.
I don't brag and I don't tell lies, I don't hide or run when times gets bad. I can put up a fight with the wink of a hand, win it if I want to, because I know I can.
I'm more than this, I'm so much more than this..
much more than just digits on a scale. oh so much more.

just plain bored..

2007-11-17T15:44:10Z

no matter what life brings along,
I never doubt there's someone to tell me what I do wrong.
But what people don't see is that it is not how many faults in life you make, it's how many times your willing to make that same fault,
and how many times you'll let other people get to you about it.

It is not a matter of pride or shame, it is survival of the fittest,
that's your game. If you never accomplish anything in life,
nothing important or nothing just all in all.
When the check goes in and the bills goes out,
we will all get up there to pay our price.
To our duty and our demands, to our fellow memberships, I ask of you; go hand in hand. Because humans are equal, for better and worse.

What we see is only skin deep, maybe that is the curse.
All in all, and in this together.
Life is never "just a matter".

not dead, just alive and crappy...

2007-11-08T19:56:45Z

still alive, no I'm not dead... this week is killing me though! I'm all stressed out and plus of my busy schedule, my eating habits or loss of same, has gone insane/crazy! I'm on the edge of a breakdown.. So this last week I've been TRYING really hard to eat somewhat healthy/normal. it's only last part of the week that has been somehow normal though.. All started because I binged out friday, saturday... I can't even remember which days, I just feel so screwed up with this fucking shit! (crying*)------- okay. so, I have gained around 1,5kilos and that may not sound alot, but I can see it.. EVERYWHERE. This week is too damn stressed out and booked up for me, so I've just decided to not weigh myself before monday morning where I'll start a new and begin loosing the weight again. My week has been.., bad. school is tearing me apart, theres asignments and homework all the freaking time lately, and I can't handle that. plus with the weight/food thing, I'm going insane. BUT, monday will be my new start. last three days (including today in those three) have been good enough foodwise. I haven't overeaten, just eaten normal sittings of food. although I did eat peanuts and cookies today which is no no no! But I can't deal with anything right now... my mom has got me to go see a shrink, and I look forward to see her. The voices and the arguments inside my head can't go on anymore or I'll go insane o__O
It's like one voice in my head don't want anyone to interrupt my eating stuff disease thing, it just wants people to ignore the fact I'm not eating. Yet then another voice pops up because it wan't people to say "please eat something". and then that voice gets sad when no one does, and the other gets angry when someone actually does :/ It's freaking the hell out of me.. (no I'm not insane, I don't "hear" the voices, it's just the thoughts that runds through my mind all the time) so yes, I'll stop caring about food until monday because it only stresses me even more, and then I can't focus on the things I really have to focus on, and I get stressed out and end up like a crying mess. It's not even like I'm fat, my normal sense of judgement can easily see that. I'm in the low range of the normal BMI right at the moment so. But still I need to loose the kilos I've gained, and then a bit more just in case. but again, monday will be the new beginning for that, and i have to take comfort in it... thank God I loose weight easy and pretty quick. It'll bee off in a week or something like that.
but it's hell. Some days I just find myself crying it all out. and the worst thing is that i can't do nothing about it. I can't do anything because I'm so sick and tired of being like this. I'm gonna go down and join the gym tomorrow I think, because since the autum and the winther is taking over here in Denmark, it is waaaaaaaaaaay too cold and rainy to go running outdoors.

I'll get back to you, with hopefull thoughts I'll get back on "the right track" again this monday..

xoxo'<3

selfesteem

2007-10-15T14:43:04Z

I just had to make a quick post with the campaign pictures from some Nike thing about womens bodies. (just as a reminder for myself at low times)
pictures behind cut if anyone wanna see, personally I love these adds.
what do you think?

Glory!

2007-10-11T12:12:13Z

I PASSED MY DRIVERS LICENSE TEST TODAY!!!
:D :D :D

anya_icons @ 2007-10-08T18:15:00

2007-10-08T16:19:39Z

So I've had fasting day number one completed today! yay, well done :D
- mmmh and I've talked to my drivers license teacher today and I'm trying out on a new test this week. I know I should be totally grateful I got a new test so fast and I am, I really am. But,... I'm just so soo afarid of failing it again :/ I'm like really really nervous right now. I haven't even told my parents when the test is due, just told my mom I got a new one this week. I'm not gonna tell anyone. Not even my boyfriend. Not anyone! I won't fail this time, I just wanna get this thing out of the world! I don't wnat it to ruin my mood again! I WANNA PASS THIS TIME :'(
please please please
- you guys keep anything cross'possible crossed this week!

wierd happiness

2007-10-07T16:07:45Z

Right now, I'm really happy. I don't even know why I'm feeling this happy, because I've had eating days for a week now.. eating ANYTHING in much bigger amounts that I would ever ever do! Guess what, have only gained around 1,7kilos :/ That'll get off during the next week where I'm snapping out of this.. starting from tomorrow. I know I should feel disgusted with myself and i sorta do, but not as much as I should. I've just had the best weekend. I have to most amazing boyfriend in the whole wide world. Last Tuesday, I failed my drivers license test :( Yeah I know, I still feel like a total failure who can't possible do anything right. But My boyfriend surprised me with a whole boquet of yellow roses, just to try and cheer me up. He laid with me on the bed, just being quiet and comforting with me all until I had to go for work. then I came home and he brought me to watch football with a whole bunch of his friends. I tell you, he's the most amazing I've ever met! <3 This weekend we went to visit his family and it was just so nice seeing them again. Last night when we were sharing the guestbed, me laying there in his arms, I fell asleep with the biggest smile on my face. I'm so happy with him, I know I sound like a stupid teenagegirl all up in the clouds, but I have NEVER felt this way about any guy. I have never felt so sure and perfect about anything in my whole life before.
I love him <3

fat ass pig..

2007-10-02T07:55:13Z

... these last couple of days has literally been hell... I've been stuffing myself for what, three/four days now, and have gained just around 2,3kilos. And I HATE MYSELF! But it stops from today, since the main reason I've been stuffing like a pig, has been due to stress, caused by my drivers license test today!!! So it stops now, end of it, this second - FAST!
- so I'm still so really nervous, and that's why I've been binging so much these days, and it sucks. But I know I'll hit my normal weight saturday/sunday if I just snap out of it now, so that's what I'll do...
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh I'm so fat! I mean it, and I feel disgusted with myself right now. I had planned to stop yesterday but this morning I just couldn't, feeling anxiuos and terrified of that test! I DON'T WANNA FAIL :'(

My virtuel Model under cut. Current state and goal state.. this sucks, but look terrifying like me in real life :/ only I have a lot longer hair...

icon post

2007-09-27T18:10:55Z

Icons icons icons (:
- been a while since I've made any so maybe I've lost the touch?
don't know, here they are anyways ^^,

Teasing;
. . .

1. 2. 3.
4. 5. 6.
7. 8. 9.
10. 11. 12.
13. 14. 15.

please follow rules in userinfo (:

eating days

2007-09-21T12:09:59Z

okay so I'll just edit this/make it all over again so you sorta get the picture, mkay? mkay...
yesterday I went to get an all you can eat ice'cream thing with my best friend Pia. had been planned since last Sunday because I though I could treat myself because I hadn't been eating anything for two weeks and three days. we went and it was good. I had four sundays (well three normal size and one small) and then I though; okay today and tomorrow (that'll mean yesterday and today) can be "eating days". so yesterday I had dinner too, which was rice and chicken... and some bread... and then I had a piece of cake. yeah I know that sounds disgusting and nasty. so today has been an eating day too. have had a bagel with butter, cereal = three servings, four oreos, microwawe popcorn, cake.. lots and lots of bread, chocolate (lots too) I guess I won't be eating in a looooong time for now.. but but but, I usually don't purge, I'm not bulimic, but today I did :/ not much though, not anything remarkable, just so that my stomach would stop aching so damn much... so I did purge, yeah :/ I'm releved now though, now I can start my fast again which I look forward to. I like to feel light and pure. I know I sound totally stupid and I know it probaply is, but I can't help it right now.. I really can't. It's like I fast for two weeks - eat for two days, start over again. I loose more than I gain. I gain like, maybe one kilo or one kilo two hundred grams. and most of that is just because the food is still in you body the day after an eating day.
I need to get this clear though; I don't know what's going on right now. it's not like I plan a fast to be this and that long, for this and that many days. it's just... it's easier not to eat you know? :/ like, I feel more complicated if I know I'm gonna have to eat something during the day. then it takes away a lot of stressing thoughts if I just... don't.
I don't know how long this next fast will be.. at least till I've lost the gained weight, till I'm back at my starting out weight. But I have to say the truth and that is I'm looking forward to it. Only carrots, melons and runnings <3 water.

I don't know why I'm like this, and I don't know what's wrong with me.
I really wish I could eat normally and healthy, I just can't figure out how to do that..

anya_icons @ 2007-09-17T19:58:00

2007-09-17T18:03:58Z

my weight is crazy :/ I'm not at a point where I gain just by eating "normally". that'll mean my metabolism hasn't been ruined, which is a very goody good thing. But the crazy thing, I've lost a kilo in two days :/ now I only need half a kilo, then I'm at my "low" weight. (my boyfriend will deff. notice and he will want me to gain again. if I loose more than the missing half kilo, he'll notice real real much :/ )

I've been tired since friday.. and the week is turning out to be stressfull. although, I can't wait to get to work tomorrow, I'm really looking forward to it, even though it's exhausting me at times. I just love it :)

anya_icons @ 2007-09-16T20:06:00

2007-09-16T18:06:42Z

Maybe everyone out there is a liar. And maybe the whole world is stupid, and ignorant. But I'd rather be in it. I'd rather be fucking in it

anya_icons @ 2007-09-16T19:48:00

2007-09-16T17:56:09Z

ooh yeah it's going great! xD nah maybe not really but still, it's been better than last time I posted anyways. so I'm losing again, still needs two kilos then I can eat a bit again. (I should have gone running today, then I would have lost more today :/ aw well) upcoming week just seems so stressfull for me right at the moment.

- Tuesday I have classes till three, and then I have work at four till eight.
- Wednesday it's the same as Tuesday + I have a history class meeting about a big assignment too until three.
- Thursday I wanna go see my boyfriend and sleepover til friday.
- friday I then have school like normally, but I don't know if I am having drivers lessons in the evening?
- Saturday I HAVE to go to Lines place and party a bit.. but I'd rather be with my boyfriend, so I think I'll skip the partying downtown and go to his place which is nearby.

In between all this, I have to make two paintings or big wall'drawings for Line as a preset because I'm really short on money right now. I think I'll have to do that Monday then :/
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh I'll go down with stress!!!

anya_icons @ 2007-09-14T14:48:00

2007-09-14T12:59:14Z

so, I'm sorta stuck with my weight right now. my boyfriend really really don't want me to loose any, if anything he want's me to stay like now, or even gain a few kilos. I'll just set my mind on keeping my weight like now (or a teeny tiny bit under) it bothers me really, i don't know what to do anymore, so I'll just fix my mind on my exercise right now. Muscles, healthy! Aaaaaaargh it just irritates me he would really tell me he don't want for me to loose anymore :/ He literally just dropped it; babe, I know you've lost a lot of weight, and your still beautiful, but you were before you lost weight too. don't loose anymore weight please.
I mean, what is that to say? yeah I know he's prob just worried but still :/ so I told him, I PROMISSED not to loose anymore weight, so now I feel comitted to my promise to him. sucks...

So I went for my first day at my new job yesterday (yay) no it was real fun! I love it! It's in the cafeteria at the military :D It's real fun, I serve food and sit by the counter. Haah I've never got so many guys smiling at me just by serving them food haha xD lovely day, and my boss liked me so she called me in next Tuesday and Wednesday. great great great.

so this weekend is party'free zone. I really really need to relax! Had to say no to Jane yesterday after work too :P her and Line was going clubbing. have to go with them next friday I think though. sooo I have now just finished my assignment for next thursday in Danish so that's good. now I only need to finish the one in English.. FUCK and I need to mail my Spanish paper!

xxx

the worst days ever...

2007-09-11T18:05:43Z

it's horrible... I've never felt as bad as I do right now. I'm disgusted with myself :'( we returned from a mostly wonderful trip from Barcelona last wednesday. I gained around 3kg's on that week, I ate all the time... chips, ice cream, everything :/ I was nasty... so I had a fast on fruits and vegetables all until sunday. I ate sunday :/ I ate a lot of wholeweat cracker'bread (fat'free almost but still) I've lost about two of the kilos I gained during my trip to spain so that is pretty good I guess...
- so monday and today I've eaten vegetables and melons.. until this evening :/ I ate again; two sittings of wholewheat cereal, four pieces of grain bread, 3/4 of a can of water tuna, a piece of white bread, four sugar cookies :'/ I'm nasty and fat and disgusting - and I hate this.
I feel so unwell, I can't cope with this anymore. so tomorrow I'll have to start over again, and I'll have to start my daily running again.
I feel I have already gained the two kilos back again :'( probaply have...
and my boyfriend even liked the weight gain when I came back home, that's the wierd thing; he wouldn't mind me at all for gaining a bit more.. I just can't :/ I'm not comfortable with this... sometimes I really wish I could just go purge, but even that I can't do right. I feel like such a disaster, and living is like hell right now.. all I wanna do is cry right now, but I can't.. worst is, nobody know how I feel :/ my mom does and we talked a lot after my "binge". she thinks it would help me to go see someone.., but I can't! What wouldn't they say and think about me?! Oh that girl? she's not even skinny, not even near. she's a normal weight, sure she doesn't have an eating disorder..
I can almost hear them speak the words... :/ I won't be that, I won't be the fat girl who just thinks she has a problem. I know I have a problem, I don't need for someone to humiliate me and tell me I'm fat. I know that perfectly well already, thank you!

Right now I feel sick.. the food in my stomach, it's not at all used to be this full and I hate what I've done. whay can't I just hold my peace and keep on with my veggie melon fast? why do I have to fall in again!? I already ate sunday! now on my only eating day will be sunday.. I can't cope other ways at the moment.....

I'm sorry :'(

anya_icons @ 2007-09-07T20:11:00

2007-09-07T18:12:04Z

People make mistakes, decide who they want to be and forget who they are. People want some things they can't have,overcome things they can't handle. and just when your days are turning grey, when you think you can't handle it anymore.You think you have nothing left to hold on to, and you feel yourself dropping to the floor - falling. That's when someone reaches out to pick you up and keep you from falling.
But that's what people do, they stay alive for eachother.
You'll only meet a few of those who will try and pick you up, and when you find them, I beg of you to hold on to them just as hard and tight as they grapped around you when you was once falling. In the end we're all the same, so there's really no reason to believe we're anything better than anyone else. We're all the same. Please remember, that there will always be someone in the world, suffering more than you
- but that doesn't mean your pain doesn't count.

anya_icons @ 2007-08-21T22:31:00

2007-08-21T20:31:32Z

why is it I keep caring so much what others think of me? why is it I keep raising those high standards to myself, when I deep down know they are totally unreasonable?
I really hate this situation so much! I hate it with all I have, but I still can't leave it alone. I still can't escape... it is tearing me apart. Why is it that even my boyfriend tells me he wouldn't mind if I gained, in fact he wouldn't mind at all. But I just can't imagine that's true, I keep telling myself I'm doing this, I'm fighting to get lower, it's so he won't let me go. it's so that he won't leave me.. I know he won't, I know <3
But still... I can't ever get this sorted in my mind. I see fat everywhere, still I can't fit into my clothes no more. I feel it, the fat, sneaking in on my body if I eat. I can feel it come right on my hips and back.. I hate that feeling. I ate today, not more than any other normal person would do in a day. actually less, but still.. That's a lot for me! I feel like I've binged, but I know I haven't. I just feel that way because I haven't eaten so much in so long... and I feel terible. I didn't go out running today, so know I wanna go out running.. it's much too late know, and if I'm gonna do it, I'll have to wait until my parents has gone to bed... it's gonna be midnight or something by then. ooor I could sneak out the window and run while they're in the living room watching tv? Oh God listen to that! it's crazy sick! How did I end up like this again... fuck it.

I'll sneak out, if I get caught... yeah i won't!